:: drξam ::

Monday, June 16, 2008



okay... SSDS, I am always stuck in this wheel, where all my problems, although they should be long gone, somehow show up again and again. Is it because I've never grown out of it? Or that the people closest to me are holding me prisoner there?

We play the blame game. Fine, everyone does. But when I constantly get blamed, even though I'm sick of the game, I mean, there's only Only so much that I can take. So..

I am Done, I am so freaking, freaking done. Weird part is this, I'm back where I am when I first started this blog. You know, this is where I really believe in karma. Which is why I will forever live in regret.




C'est la vie...6/16/2008 12:56:00 AM

Monday, January 07, 2008



I figured it out! I think I figured out what's wrong with me! I've had one of the worst 2-3 weeks of my life and I blamed it on the weather, nixx, pms, anything. But I think I see it now. I'm having a Before-Midlife-Midlife-Crisis.

I am freaked out about my graduation, my need to find a job, get my mom off my back, get my dad off my freedom. Basically I'm stuck in a rut. Where I am now, I only remember hating my life this much once, and that problem suddenly seemed to have solved so easily.

The frustration is unbearable, bringing me to the point where I snap at nearly everything. But I really can't help it. My life feels like its leading nowhere, and I'm stuck in a pool facing all my choices, right and wrong, stupid and smart. Frankly, I feel stupid.

Sometimes in life, it seems easier to conform. Not that it is giving up too much as joy and contentment does come by in that sense. My aspiration is to live above conformity. To make my own lifestyle and let others learn to accept it rather than learning to accept others. Sometimes it seems so easy, my beliefs so clear, whereas other time, I feel the wave of conventionality sweeping over me and the ocean of norm drowning me. Should one give up and consent to this, or live the unpredictable?

I can't answer this question but I know one thing for sure. If I had to choose the latter, I will not be here long.

-n-


C'est la vie...1/07/2008 07:29:00 PM

Saturday, December 29, 2007



Welcome to Phase Two of my bitching session. Today, we are going to talk about penguins.

Penguins are weird creatures. They are generally nice and docile but at times, they can be a bitch. This creature is hard to read and even harder to understand. Researchers over the years have surmised that it is just a normal, non-spectacular creature. In short, its a stupid fat bird that cannot fly.

In most cases, penguins are not hard to adopt. The hard part is the maintenance of such pets. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to get to the bottom of this creature's mind. Its like they speak a different language, which incidently they do. because they are birds. with bird-brains.

With this animal, you can try very hard to tame it, however most likely, all attempts would not result in fruition. Methods such as (a) being very nice, (b) getting angry, (c) ignoring the creature or (d) trying to explain things to it, have been proven to not work. Furthermore, with method (d), at times they seem to have understood, which throws one into a fit of happiness, however this joy is short-lived.

It has been very long and researches are still trying to find answers to understand this creature. However, if methods continue to come to no avail and the creature becomes to wild to tame, some might consider giving up on this research, as looking at the creature without having to interact with it so much, might bring happier consequences.

For further information on this creature, please refer to my fellow researcher's blog, listed under the links on this page as 'Velly Vel'. Please pardon this researcher's aggression, as she is one who was pushed to the brink by this creature. Thank you all for reading. Good night.


C'est la vie...12/29/2007 11:31:00 PM

Wednesday, December 26, 2007



Its that time of the year again, when I blog after several months of silence because I finally have something to bitch about. Oh yea, and Merry Christmas...

OKay, I have no need to be this mournful, honestly. But there have been several things that have been nagging at me and making me lose my mind. But maybe it can be that my period is due. Who knows. I shall commence my bitching, which shall be numbered, the formality due to my annoyance at the lack of stimulation I'm suffering . . .

1. Its been so long and honestly, I have not given 'it' much thought. I have to say, if you never came into my life, I would be a much different person from now. So in a way, as I've mentioned before, I thank you for making me who I am today. But then again, that's the only thing I can thank you for as all the others that you have done have left scars deeper than time can heal. I can't help but remembering all I went through, from the 'it' itself as well as having to listen to the more sordid part of it, truths and half-truths, being regurgitated back at me by people whom I can't even count as close friends. As if that isn't enough, I was painted as the b*tch/sl*t/liar etc, you know this better than I do, and you were left without a blame. Why? Coz you play the victim, the innocent nice guy who got played. Boo hoo hoo. Well, you tell me you regret, and that you wish it had been different. I'll tell you this. I don't know why you say these things, is it coz you're bored and you thought it'll be funny to see my reaction, or that you really mean it. I do hope that its true because this way, I'd know you have suffered, but its still not enough for me. And also, when you were saying those things about me, knowing deep inside how you really felt, did it not occur to you that given the chance that everything worked out once again, you'll look like a fool for saying all those things coz you'll either be (a) a dumbass who wants a b*tch/sl*t/liar back or (b) an asshole that probably lied about half those things said.

OKay.. to be continued =)



C'est la vie...12/26/2007 03:42:00 AM

Saturday, October 06, 2007




It is the time of the year again, when *deng deng deng* ....

~!~!~!~GoD's KitChen~!~!~!~

is here again! Yea! But, I'm at home.. the very first time in 2 years since it all began... i'm at home. *deng deng deng* OKay, yes fine! I'm broke, and spending $95 on a ticket to an event which wasn't *great* for me would be pointless. But i'm sitting here feeling like crap. I dunno... maybe its coz i do enjoy it, to some certain degree... maybe its coz... well, everyone's gonna be there... maybe its coz i'm leaving soon, and i should go for old times' sake. But, eet iz tooo late, i zay! Tooo late! its gonna start soon anyway. Going now WOULD be pointless.

so i'm at home, blogging, sitting w maX, yeap. Great life. Despite the fact that i may have to start begging on the streets soon, i still have the energy to eBay all the time, not that i'm buying... its more like window 'internet' shopping. but it sucks! there's so many things i like but so little money! i seriously need some financial counseling lessons. Or maybe i should just stop being so 'bag-obsessed'.

OKay, i'm a self-confessed bag freak. I can buy 10 in one month and still find the need to want more. HAHAHA! and maybe i should stop talking about them too eh. Its not that I want to talk about bags or things i like, so often. its just that i talk a lot and when i talk, i need things to talk about and these are the things that interests me (among others) but i didn't realise it is such a crime to talk about it. Maybe i shouldn't say things like that because i Did make a promise, and it seems like i'm breaking it, which i am but i didn't do it on purpose. I just can't help it at times, and coz you're the only person there, it makes more sense to tel you abt it rather than the dog rite? But with all said and done, i am really going to try and remember this, and not mention it to your face anymore, if i can help it, for good.


i'm sick. the weather's bitching. But then again, it wouldn't be Melbourne without this weather. But feeling sick is shitty, which is probably why i feel shitty and keep having shitty dreams. Yeaps, i've been having weird dreams about missing a flight to Melbourne or being unable to come back here. As much as i try not to think about it (and yes, i have Not Yet come to terms with it), i guess it is starting to surface coz time is running out.

I suppose there's so much i could've done, but haven't yet done, so much i should've done differently but didn't get a chance, but i would not regret any of it. Because despite everything, i suppose being here, has been one of the most fulfilling moments in my life and i've learned so much (not Uni) and i know, for sure, i wouldn't be the person i am now, if i never left Brunei.

and Yes, i would miss everything and everyone here. Sometimes, there isn't much point thinking about what could've been, because it is a fact, that it never could be. Because time has run out.

-n-



C'est la vie...10/06/2007 09:41:00 PM

Tuesday, September 25, 2007



Its mid-sem break! Yea! whoopee! Life's still pretty much the same. same ol' same ol'. Just waiting to grad then i'll be going back, not that i really want to but.. oh well.


:: ~ !!! Melbourne Storm !!! ~ ::

I watched rugby last weekend. Not that i understand it or anything but it as fun! and Melbourne won! I was feeling kinda patriotic, well, i have been here for 5 years. haha! We whooped Sydney's ass! Yea! Melbourne! haha! That was fun.


Mr Hogderf came to Melbourne. It was nice seeing him after so long. Four years really went by like a breeze. Though it didn't show on him. Haha! Four years man... its been that long. Hard to believe... =) it was nice seeing you again dude. It'll be funny if the next time we meet is in four years again. I hope that by then I won't be wrinkly already. haha!

And I went to Bubz as well.. It was a bit like old times. Flashback to Year 2005. HAHA! When it all began.. deng deng deng.. a lot of it felt like old times. Maybe i was too blur coz i think i may have imagined it. Old times... la la la... but sometimes its pointless to think about impossibility because it is... well... impossible. =)

To live in la la land, it hurts when you're brought back down to reality. Disappointment would be too harsh a judgment so its better to just not think about it. Its hard I suppose because I am not used to these kind of things. I really don't know what else to think. There's way too much on my mind nowadays and I think its going to drive me nuts soon. Oh well...

-n-


C'est la vie...9/25/2007 07:41:00 PM

Sunday, September 09, 2007



Which Family Guy Character Are You?

You are Lois. You are caring and conservative, but you've got a wild side.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com



C'est la vie...9/09/2007 03:57:00 PM

Saturday, August 25, 2007



Ooo... this is cool! Now we can upload videos! haha! sakai sakai!!

OKay... so.... my life has changed. Seriously. Changed so much I feel pathetic. HAHA! And i think i figured out the cause of this change. It has got to be maX <3 irritating =".="">.< yeaps =".="">


C'est la vie...8/25/2007 08:28:00 PM