Monday, October 31, 2005
The thing i hate most about growing up, is that the 'grown-up' world is filled with uncertainties, challenges and people. Yes, new people. I'm not saying that people you meet in your childhood are the best n stuff... coz that is not true. i, for one, would know. But the wonderful thing about being a child is that you are usually unaware of such things. But one thing i realised, every stage i've been at, i would be disappointed because of the expectations i've had before. When i was younger, i hoped everyday to be an older person. When i was in lower pri, i wished to be in upper pri, so my uniform is no longer a dorky blue dress with a white collar but a white shirt with a blue skirt. When i was in upper pri, i hated being 'too young' to go out (I'm still having that problem *rolls eyes*) so i wanted to be 12 thinking i would have more freedom. I suppose it didn't work out smoothly either. Hahaha! When i was about 12 or 13, i was a dork, i read a lot and had little friends. so i wished i was 16. Being 16 was like the goal of teenagehood. Young, pretty, sweet and sixteen. Buuuuut, when i reached 16, it was just.... u know... like that. Nothing spectacular, nothing wonderful. Just plain old life. So after the 16 year old mark, i wished to be 18. So i could drive. Not like that makes a difference. Sigh~ My parents have this image that i would crash my car the moment i drive it out of my house (or maybe even in my house) and its so argh! Btw, this is the stage i'm stuck at so yea.. When i blew the candles on my cake last year, i was like "So this is it huh... 18... 'wow' 'whoopee!' " I'm 19 now... and life still seems... the same? Other than the fact that i'm taller, fatter etc etc... yeap, still same...OKay... i was being cynical. I can't say i have not changed at all. I have changed most in the last 2 and a half years of my life. Which is since coming here. I won't say its a good thing but it is definitely not a bad thing. Being here, seeing all the shit that people go through does make you wonder. Being so sheltered in a mouse hole like Brunei where the biggest event is a gambling den (meaning: a house where about 4 or 8 people are playing majong in their own free time) being infiltrated, i guess you don't really see much. Within my first year, a lot of my perspectives changed. Some for the worse, some for the better i suppose. i become more acceptable to things. Things that would have shocked me or made me react in the past are now "Oh is it. i see..." to me. (Well, most of them, not all! i still hear some shockers sometimes).One of the worst things about these shockers, is that it sometimes is not the problem of A's friend who's friends with B who's friends with C. It happens to someone close to you, someone you actually care about and that's when you can really see what goes on. And it sucks! Another bad thing... ha ha... is that it no longer falls into the category of 'someone else's problem' but it can also become your own problem. Someway, somehow, at some point, you yourself get caught into this tangled web called 'The Messier Part Of Life'. And when you're in it, it sucks shit. Hahaha! Well, i guess all this is a part of being alive. As people grow up, they are bound to meet up with life's challenges and disappointments. But these challenges are nothing compared to having the people around you. Friends.Just how much do you trust a friend. Well, i'm the sucker type. I'm the type that can trust a friend with my life if i had to but i have had experiences where friendship is not a pretty bed of roses. So what is a person supposed to do? Do i act oblivious, pretend that everything is all perfect and shit. Or should i confront, and get either a positive result or end up losing a friend. I'm a self-declared chicken. i hate confrontations. I know i'm not the most perfect friend. i know for a fact i have said or done things which are unspoken for and i am really sorry. Maybe its just me. Maybe my repressed self is a perfectionist where i expect perfection in my life. And when i don't get it, i make believe that it is perfect. Regarding trust issues, i'm really baffled... For most people, the hierarchy is Family -> Boyfriend -> Best Friends. Although most are not willing to admit it. I admit i do that do although i'm trying to minimize it coz i know that's bad. But how much can you trust the people in these 3 category? Family, can be excluded i suppose. Unless you have dysfunctional family members, i guess they are the ones you should trust most. Then boyfriends. i know its unheard of. How could you put him ahead of all your friends. After all, you did meet your friends first. But then, the truth is, once you have a bf, you do end up spending more time with him than w your friends. it doesn't mean that you won't abandon him for your friends if you need to... its just that when everything is in neutral... you would most likely spend time with him. What about best friends? You say you trust them with your life. But do you? For me, i do. I would trust my friends with my life. So i guess im better living in my make-believe perfect world when it comes to life =)-n-C'est la vie...
10/31/2005 04:06:00 PM
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Yes!! Finally... my exams are over!!! But i'm not 'free' yet. Due to my duty as Queen of Procrastination, i still have 2 assgms and one presentation to do. Argh.... Sigh...-n-C'est la vie...
10/27/2005 04:37:00 PM
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Oh no... i think i might be getting tonsilitis again!! Nouuuu.......... i had it the week during God's. It was hell. In my whole life, i have never went through anything so painful. The right side of my throat feels like its sliced open each and every time i swallowed. It got so bad i can't even open my mouth fully!! Imagine the torment!! i couldn't eat!!! Well, i guess i have to cut down on smoking again =.="" argh~well, i finally got my bettina lianos today. got 'em off ebay but screwed up my own address and got it sent to my old address. i tot i was not going to get it back d. thank god man!! haha!! damn my throat hurts... please please... go away... i dun wanna get tonsilitis again! ='''( sniffwell, typing into this blog now is kinda stupid. i have an assgm due which i have started shit and the reason i gave myself for not doing it is because my brain is not functioning and im tired but here i am blogging. what's wrong with me man?? i just love procrastinating so much its become part of my lifestyle. i can't even help it sometimes. argh! and when it comes to unnecessary things, i would get it done immediately. well, not unneccessary, just those my parents would deem unnecessary. i just got my plane ticket. well, not really, im on wait list. finally i'll be going back ahh... haha! i can't wait. i wanna drive. i miss my parents, my friends, my dogs... ahhh... well, im tired now. officially brain dead. bye.-n-C'est la vie...
10/26/2005 02:50:00 AM
Monday, October 17, 2005
where do i begin? so much shit has happened since the last time i blogged man... then... i was sad, lonely, bored, stuck-at-home, gamer etc etc etc... zzz... haha! well... ok... i'll retell my life from then to catch up. The 2nd last time i blogged, i was in Perth. basically, i flew there to 'settle' things. i guess things din really get settled. when i came back, shit happened... i went clubbing a lot.. met a lot of people.. tat's when life changed i guess... i started to have a life again... u know thinking about it.. the whole time when i was with someone... i had no life. for a whole freaking yr, i was stuck at home, watching australian idol and all the other sad tv shows on tv, well i barely touched the tv remote control this year. but i guess its all good. i finally have a 'home' here i guess... hehe! Thanks Bird n Shin Zzzz... ok... i'll continue the flashback some other time. im bored now. watching desperate housewives... zzzz... i went to watch The Devil's Rejects with Brad n the rest last night. omg~ tat Brad! He never told me about the movie being a horror film.. the gore was disgusting... Urghh!~ oh well.. at least its nt a ghost movie. hehe! im kinda tired... gtg catch up on my beauty sleep... zzz-n-C'est la vie...
10/17/2005 12:14:00 AM
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Wow!! i haven't blogged for so long it took me a while to find my username and password. well... the last time i blogged was when i was in perth being a pissy princess wtf.. a lot in my life has changed now. for starters, im not with Ted anymore. that's a HUGE change... try being with someone for 2 years and not having that person in your life anymore... wow.... but i would say its all good because i feel Liberated. Free. Released. okay la.. im not saying its all bad. i know from my previous blogs it seems like it but its not. we did have our good times. but the bad times are outweighing the good times. if u ever read this, i really appreciated everything we had but im sorry i can't forgive u for all the shit uve put me thru. i know im not perfect but whether u cn forgive me for that, i dun really care. the point is that i can't forgive u and that is why i can't be with u anymore.There. That was the sad part. And to the fun part of my life!! I have started raving!! hahahah! i know i know! i used to be like "No, i hate trance" "I can't stand it" "It gives me a headache" well, i'm one of them now. I just got my phatties and went to gods kitchen last week! It was AWESOME!!! okay, i still can't dance but i will and shall learn! i wanna know how to do the Melbourne Shuffle!! HAHA!! the feeling of being in all this is amazing... like the people i have made friends with recently... Brad the Pei Hai (oklar... really, thanks man for taking care of me), Chris etc etc... haha! the only bad thing out of this is that i can't really stand rnb anymore. makes me zzz... *sigh* oh well, u cant win 'em all *^_^*and finally, i dun even know why i;m blogging now at this time. i am damn farked and will be killed soon cozim farking up my studies. oh god kill me pls... haha! But i shall keep this up... Joey, Daph, Winn, i hope u guys do to kiesss?Love u guys lots man.... sigh i miss home... okla... im gonna zzz soon..... -n-C'est la vie...
10/13/2005 01:44:00 AM
