Thursday, September 21, 2006
Its been 12 wonderful days, albeit the arguments and such. I can’t imagine how it’ll be like when you leave. When I had to come home alone to get some stuff, I felt the place was damn empty even though I know you’re waiting downstairs for me. I really wish I could turn back time and relive these past 2 weeks without me bitching. I’m so horrible, oh my gosh, I’m damn horrible. I wish I could undo what I did and unsay what I said but I can’t. I am so sorry. So so so sorry. Deep down I know you deserve better. You gave out so much and you really receive shit sometimes. I wish I can be that wonderful girlfriend but I don’t know why I can’t.
People come and go in your life and each leave a mark that can never be erased, may it be a way of thought, a simple memory or even the change of a lifetime.
I know I can’t blame you but I really think you killed a part of me. The way you treated me in that two years that we were together destroyed the part of me to think before I get angry and defensive. I have to blame you. And yes, I hate you for that.
Someone once said – A single action can change your life and the lives of those around you.
How true is that?
Through this time, I found a friendship I never thought possible, lost friendships I never expected. I would tell anyone that I’m crazy if I told all these to me four weeks ago. But its happened and over and done with. All we can do now is gather up the pieces and go on our way. I can’t describe how much I appreciate having your company now. Like seriously. Its weird that something like this would bring us close but heck, in a sense, I’m glad it happened. Thank you so much for everything.
Beginning of this year, I went to a fortune teller. I know its weird. Seeing these kind of people and hearing stuff that I’m not even sure whether to believe or ignore scares the heck out of me. But I can’t help but feel that it may have been as predicted. She said to me:
> Stick with friends that you already know.
>Do not build new friendships or a crazy social life.
> People will betray you. Your friends would turn against you when you least expect it.
You know, because of you, I have to like fckn move, find a new place yadda yadda and sleep on the floor of someone else’s room and lose the comfort of my own privacy and bedroom. I don’t want to hate you for this but I do. Thinking about everything just makes me sick. Thinking about what I was willing to do for you, before all this, makes me sick. You make me sick. I hope you will have a happy life.
I dread this Sunday more than anything else in the world now. I would willingly trade my soul to the devil to avoid its coming. I don’t think you know it but you have been my pillar of strength through everything that has happened this year. I know I can never thank you enough. Heck. I can’t even be a nice enough gf to you. You are holding on and loving me, even though I know that I don’t deserve it. Even though I have pushed you away and spat at you, you could still find it in your heart to reason with me. I asked you countless times, why do you take all this. Your answer has been the same, from day one til now, that you loved me.
Recently I realised I have never really gotten over all my hurt and pain. Although it is not your fault, I am taking it out on you. I know that this will all go away, one day. But I need time, I do not know how much, but I need it. I just hope that at the end of the day, when I can finally break free from all this, you would be the one I could run to. I love you.
It is 1.28am. None of us slept last night because Ying shaved her head and wanted to wait til morning to get her eyebrow pierced. I slept for about an hour and I am feeling a bit cuckoo. For some odd reason, I don’t feel like I can sleep but I have class tomorrow which I think I might miss. Jun is sleeping like a pig beside me and I think I’m gonna join him now.
-n-C'est la vie...
9/21/2006 01:38:00 AM
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Well, here we are again. I intended to blog over the weekend but I didn’t and I think we all know why. I was pretty gone case, too sick, too tired and too sick and tired of everything.
The weekend went by like a blur. On Sunday night, I ask myself the question I ask each week. “What the hell happened to the weekend?” But the difference this week, is that I’m free. After last weekend, I have officially been lifted from all the shit that has been going on and I won’t let it bother me anymore. Because, I just dun fckn care anymore >.<>.<>
-n-
C'est la vie...9/06/2006 02:40:00 AM
