Monday, April 30, 2007
Well, its been one hell of a weekend. Aih... I'm speechless. I really dunno what to say about what happened and everything. It was sudden, unexpected, shitty, pissed the fcuk out of me but also brought me my sweet escape. Past few days flew by like a dream. Can't believe its been five days =( Its damn argh... I really don't know how to handle this situation, to be honest. Should I just disappear? or Should I still be around? Either sucks in their own way I suppose... ARGh! I really don't know man... =(
Selflessness is not a trait I have. I'm probably the most selfish person that has ever existed and I admit that =) I find it really hard to think for others or hold their feelings in high regard but maybe, this time, if it will make things better, maybe i should learn it. I really dunno. I dunno if its right to be selfish about this. I really am not sure about your reaction from tomorrow onwards. But i do know this and i think u do too. 9 1.13 8.1.16.16.9.5.19.20 23.8.5.14 9 1.13 23.9.20.8 25.15.21
Despite all circumstances, I think I've had a great weekend. I actually went shopping!!! Ahhh!! But then again, a new week has begun. Assignments, classes, argh T.T I am so damn sick of studying. I really think I lost my motivation. All I want is to pass everything and get it done and over with. Tomorrow's Tuesday! I have an appointment with a PR lawyer. and I'll know if i get to stay. I really hope there's some way. Because I'm not ready to leave ...
25.15.21 19.1.9.4 20.8.1.20 13.25 19.13.9.12.5 8.5.12.16.19 25.15.21 6.15.18.7.5.20 23.5.12.12 7.21.5.19.19 23.8.1.20 25.15.21. 13.1.11.5 13.5 19.13.9.12.5 9 18.5.1.12.12.25 4.21.14.14.15 8.15.23 15.18 23.8.25 15.18 23.8.1.20 25.15.21 4.15 2.21.20 25.15.21 10.21.19.20 4.15
Choices. Some of them you make, some of them are made for you. In this case, I made the choice. And for the time being, I am sticking w the choice. I may regret this, I do not know. But if I took the other road, I may regret more. Challenges, criticism, ostracism, disapproval.. these I'm not afraid of. All I'm scared of is hurting you. I just came to realise that I somehow, somewhere will eventually hurt the people closest to me. I would not be able to bear it if its you that i'd have to hurt. Its already bad enough as it is now. But it could be worse. So yea.
-n-
C'est la vie...
4/30/2007 06:57:00 PM
Monday, April 23, 2007
Life is messy, that's just how it is. How true is that? How does a (supposedly) perfect existance just come crumbling down in front of you face, then puts you in a state that where you don't know which side is up or down or what is right or wrong. So many things that I did not consider much suddenly became problems and things which usually save me from pain are causing them instead. Its been this huge grey limbo, Grey, because I love Grey's Anatomy (irrelevant, i know), Grey because it is just not black and white. What's worse is even if it is black and white, there are constraints and boundaries that cannot be crossed yet. And to top it off, I don't know what I want.People around me just keep ... (dying). True? Maybe. People closest to me usually seem to get hurt by me, most of the time directly, but sometimes indirectly. In your case, it is indirectly. I never meant for this to happen. I never thought this would cause you so much pain. It hurts because I fell from being ur escape to ur problems. The feeling sucks. Maybe its a curse. I'm just a walking timebomb anyway. Is it wise to leave things as it is? For now, yes. In the future, maybe yes as well. Any move made will trigger an explosion and once again, people I care about will be swept away by pain and hurt. Deep inside, I sort of know what I may want, but then again, in the long run, (knowing me), someone's gonna get hurt again. To be honest, I've never felt more lost in my life. Or so scared of making decisions. And for that, I'm gonna do what I do best. Close an eye, to everything and everyone. They say if you don't think, you don't feel. Let's hope it works. Accept that which is unchangeable, change that which is unacceptable. You said my attitude was unacceptable and I should change it. I think you're right. So I'm gonna try. Try to get back on my own two feet and not go all bonkers again. My current state is pretty numb, maybe I have cried enough, hurt enough, or maybe I have been able to push it so far away it doesn't affect me much anymore. Life actually feels like a dream, a nightmarish one but nothing really seems real anymore. I don't even know what to think anymore, in regards to you. Seriously. But... maybe time will help me. And hopefully you too.-n-
C'est la vie...
4/23/2007 03:34:00 PM
