:: drξam ::

Thursday, May 31, 2007




A picture is worth a thousand words. Need I say more?


C'est la vie...5/31/2007 11:13:00 PM

Monday, May 28, 2007




You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.


At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.


Meredith Grey [Grey's Anatomy] - m


At some point you have to make a decision. Barriers don't keep others out. They fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.


Meredith Grey [Grey's Anatomy] - y


C'est la vie...5/28/2007 03:10:00 AM

Sunday, May 27, 2007



Destiny. I don't believe in it. I do not believe that people are born into this world with an aim or purpose in life and that they would be great if bestowed with such destiny. People are born as 'tabula rasa', an empty slate, waiting to be painted by the colours of life, whether good or bad.

Fortune tellers. Should you or should you not believe in them? As students in a Westernised society, we should be above all this mambo jumbo but what if it seems true? What if predictions sometimes do come true? Then do you believe in it or reject it still and call it coincidence?

The thing about predictions is this. If you hear something good, your hopes would be raised yet you can never really know whether that day will happen and if it doesn't, you'll be more disappointed because to some certain degree, you would've convinced yourself that it will happen. If it predicts a crappy life, you would ponder day by day, awaiting your doom and wondering if it'll ever come for the rest of your life. So generally, they don't help much, do they?

I do not believe in fate or destiny. I believe that only time can unravel all things. That is just how life is, not a destination, not an aim but a journey. Along the way, you see things and you learn things and that is how you would know and make choices on how your life should be.

-n-


C'est la vie...5/27/2007 11:50:00 PM

Friday, May 25, 2007




Oh By the way, I have an interesting announcement to make. Ying has found the love of her life. Her name is Dopey. Those who are aware of this would be happy to know that the couple has secretly tied the knot earlier this month and are currently enjoying their honeymoon in a place called Far Far Away.

Rumours has it that Ying is expecting although the publicists from either side refused to confirm or deny these rumours. If speculation proves true, fans can expect a Dopey-Ying bundle of joy early next year.

Disneyland Crap reports.

-n-



C'est la vie...5/25/2007 01:49:00 PM




Once again, the exam period has arrived where students would lock themselves up at home and study hard, those who prepared a month ago would be more or less relaxed, those last-minute ones panicking right about now. As usual, I am calm and relatively relaxed despite the fact I have approximately 7 assignments due and 4 exams and have done zip. Argh!

With all that has happened, I feel I have lost the motivation to study. Or maybe its because it is my last semester. I really just want to finish and get this done and over with. I remember entering first year, I was so excited (and stupid! - Wow! I'm a University Undergraduate! Wow!) Pah! Big deal! But I was very motivated, I did all my assignments a week before the due date, studied for all my exams. And then I progressed to handing in all my assignments on time but not consulting my tutors anymore. Then I proceeded to not handing them on time but getting MCs or extensions for them, then the final bomb was this semester where I did not bother with anything at all. Literally. Classes, assignments, everything. I just want all this to be over. My god... studying sucks so bad! Not that I do much of it anyway. Even though I know I have to pass everything this semester.

Well, the trend has begun again, where I blog when I should actually be doing my work, which are the only thoughts that are running through my head right now. Actually studying and finishing up my assignments do not seem too bad in comparison to what I may have to face. The future now seems bleak and uncertain. Am I terrified? Yes. But then again, I'd face it when I have to. In the mean time, I'll just enjoy the ride.

-n-


C'est la vie...5/25/2007 01:30:00 PM

Monday, May 21, 2007




Its interesting to study how much a person can really take. And also to discover your own limits. So... what is considered the limit? When one starts taking drugs to forget troubles and ends up in rehab? Or is it enough when you do not even know if you're laughing or crying and your body shakes for up to 48 hours for no reason at all? As an avid tabloid reader, I used to find it corny when celebs comment about being in a "dark place" or "trying time". I guess what they say is true. Don't laugh at others because it will happen to you.


My dark place. Its interesting, really. Feels floaty and I felt damn disconnected from myself. Its like my whole being has shrunk into the core of my body and my brain serves only to perform basic locomotor functions such as breathing and eating (when ppl feed me). I don't really consider that a basket case, I suppose. Basket case would be like 'sot jor' d, but I guess its near enough. Mainly, anger ruled me during that time. Bashing the wall til my hand bruised in three places (I dimpled the wall! Wow! Lil' Brittle Bones is not that weak after all!) as well as the urge to obtain substances that can give me a temporary release from this was probably the only thing I did which I rather enjoyed. 'Cept that my friends did not allow the latter to happen. Damn!

True enough and corny enough, ppl either get out of or get stuck in these situations depending on their companionship. I cannot thank my friends enough, for taking their time to listen to me bitch, feed me when I really couldn't eat, and so much more. At that point, I really had no one but you guys. For awhile there, the people who are closest to me, and who should be supporting me, turned against me. It felt terrible and everything was so hopeless. At the end of it, I felt so exhausted and I think I exhausted my friends as well. I am so sorry, you guys but seriously thank you very much. I seriously have no idea what I would do without you guys.


"One problem at a time"


The best advice I got during this situation. Its so true because when you get stuck with a lot of problems, its hard to see for youself which one should be settled first so you end up looking at everything as a whole, hopeless situation when dismantling it bit by bit offered some light to solving it. Thanks babe, for telling me that.


With that, I classified my problems into just two very big and rather complicated categories Problem One is more or less settled now I suppose. Time shall unravel this. With Problem Two, its a much more complicated and delicate matter. With one main question. Will it be worth it? To be honest, if you ask me, I really have no idea. Unless I am able to see into the future, I guess I would never really know. I may really be clambering blindly (and maybe stupidly) from shithole to shithole but I guess you'd never know as only time will tell.
-n-




C'est la vie...5/21/2007 12:01:00 AM

Thursday, May 03, 2007




Problems. How do we fix them? And if we can't, how do we make it go away? People deal with problems in their own different ways. I'm amazed at how some can keep their cool even if their world is falling apart. Yet when mine is, I become a wreck/basket case/crazy/lost-my-mind type of person. Is this an in-built defect? Five or ten years down the road, will I still be this way? Or do we eventually grow out of this?

It is so hard, to make things right when nothing seems to be right. And really, what I want so much, I don't think I can have, yet I really don't know what else to do about it. I really want it to all go away, for me to wake up one day (hopefully soon) and just wake up from this nightmare. Will that day actually come? Or is that hopeful wishing as well?

I wish for so much, for someone to show me what to do and what will happen if I do it.. I wish that things are not like this.. I wish I never asked for what I asked.. I wish I didn't feel this way.. I wish I was stronger.. I wish that some stupid fairy would just come and wave her stupid wand and make everything go away.. Well, unless stupid fairies with wands exist, it won't happen will it?

I want to smile and be normal about everything. Be the way that I was before all this. Be me. But I'm still waiting for that day to come. Because at the moment, I feel as though that day will never come and I would be stuck in this shithole for a very very long time. Or even if I ever clamber out of this shithole, I just might fall into another.

For me to just walk away, and walk out, I can't even bear thinking about it. I really want to do it. Just walk out and leave you alone. Then everything might just be fine. That is probably the solution. And sadly the only solution. But its so farking hard. Maybe I am too pampered and sheltered, that's why I find it hard to deal with problems. Believe me, I wished I had the strength and courage to just leave. Well, if I ever do, I guess you will find out. But til then, I will try to do what has been requested of me yet postponed.

Life sucks.


-n-




C'est la vie...5/03/2007 10:24:00 AM

Wednesday, May 02, 2007




I like to believe that I'm stronger than what I really am. But I just came to realise that I just am not. It sucks. Just like reality sucks. I wish I can just disappear from ur life. I know that would make things a lot simpler. But as much as I want to, I can't seem to do it. I had one whole night to pack up and leave. I lay awake most of the time thinking and thinking whether I should or should not go. And I failed. I just can't. I would die, if I have to cut you out of my life forever. I can't imagine it.

I don't know what I should do to make things better. I wished I knew. The only one way I know of, I'm too weak to do it. I really don't know.

And because of that, I hate myself. For not being stronger. For being so selfish. For being me.

-n-


C'est la vie...5/02/2007 11:54:00 PM